I had a chat with a colleague of mine about a month and he was telling about his girlfriend. I was enjoying the gist. Uno, I love love! 🙂
And then how they are cool and perfect through their flaws, you know all those stuff people in love say… Then I go, “when do you guys plan to get to get married?” and brother starts to laugh. Not ordinary laugh o, he starts to laugh uncontrollably and I get worried.
Weren’t you just describing how awesome you guys are together? You both are done with studies and have stable jobs… And then he starts to explain how it isn’t easy to marry and blah blah. I felt sorry for the lady especially because in her mind (they have been dating for a few years), from what he described, she’d be expecting him to do the half-kneeling down thingy any time from now. I had this on my mind so much so that I brought it up with my lunch buddies at work the next day. There were at least two guys.
To my amazement, they shared the same view with brother-in-love-that-does-not-want-to-marry… and did an analysis of basic things they thing would be needed at least for the wedding and the first year of marriage.
Rent: Depending on the side of Lagos you stay, for a comfortable one-bedroom flat, you’d be looking at an average of 400k and 500k per annum. You usually would have to pay for two years. (I absolutely have no idea why Lagos landlords do this! *rolling my eyes*)
Car: You might say it is not a necessity but according to him, after all the years of jumping bus in his (the major analyst in this matter) single days even if I can’t afford a car, the family (me and my partner) should have one as a baby may come in the first year or first night as the case may be. Lol! He sha estimated 2m. I don’t know he got that price… I am guessing small fairly used car or something.
WEDDING: Guess what? The lady in question is an igbo girl.. so you can understand the brother’s laughter. Let’s even act as if we do not know what translates too, let’s do normal wedding costs. These prices are just averagely estimated using Lagos as a case study
Hall – 700k to 900k depending on your expected number of guests.
Food, decors, cake, souvenirs, wife’s outfit, groom’s outfit and blah blah – 1m (this is a better way to put in… writing it all out might scare away the young men in love already)
Let’s say approximately 2m. (I didn’t add bride price o)
|Rent||500k * 2 = 1m|
Just like that, 5m!
I got his point but then I couldn’t stop asking myself really?
So if me and my partner are ready to get married and we don’t have 5m, is that how we would be looking at each other and be reading books on marriage. Considering the fact that as christains, we’d be against pre-marital sex. Is that how we would be saving and saving???
I can even understand the basic ones: the rent and car… but the wedding… (Just hold on, I’ll need to rant well on this. but maybe another day). Still, I am of the opinion that instead of hustling for years on your own.. putting resources together you both can get a decent home and even a car for starters.
PS: I am aware of both of their salaries. It’s not bad at all. Ermmm, this is not referring to people who don’t have a steady source of income. I do not mean to throw shades at all, but love is sweeter when you don’t have to beg for your first rent. Not like family members and friends can’t be a blessing but at least your income should be able to maintain you and your wife on a steady basis. Even the bible speaks against a man who can’t take care of his own home.
I heard a story of two people even in the church who had started living together. They were tired of saving and you know the drill.. They had even started stabbing church and all because they don’t want judging eyes and all. Eventually God through some caring people in church restored them. They had the ‘wedding’ in a way they could afford – this trying to please people was what led them to trouble in the first place. Brothers and sisters, I tell you the truth, all present at that wedding pata pata were not more that 25! They had their blessings, signed and had a small jolly get together at their pastors backyard.
Let me try to streamline my gist.. Too many people are falling into sin and suffering after marriage all in the name of ‘society wedding’ and somehow I don’t get that.
Like how would you gather your rent and first year school fees of your first child and all your savings to feed people… when you are not a charity home? I am not talking about those that if the money o.
If you have the money, please spend it to God’s glory.. enjoy your wedding. But if you have not made it big yet, please wisdom is profitable to direct. Nobody would flog you if you share packed rice or small chops immediately after church and dismiss everyone, skipping reception. Your wedding is still very much valid even if it’s a gathering of less than 50 people.
The number of people at your wedding has absolutely nothing to do with how well your marriage would go! At the end of the day, it is over… like O-V-E-R! Enh, they would remember you for good, like they enjoyed themselves.. but is that remembrance worth sacrificing your family savings. Who remembrance epp?
I’ll tell another story. My friends’ dad saved some money for each of his children for their wedding. When it was her sisters turn, she told her dad that herself and her boo would like to have a car instead. They opted for a court wedding, a pretty small traditional wedding more like close family only and a church blessing… They got their car a week later…. They are happily married with two children…
I think you get my point… cut your coat according to your size. Isaac in the bible had his father’s servant settle Rebekah’s family and that was it… same with Jacob (with a little twist to the plot. Lol.. Oga Laban sha)
Anyways, once you are able to settle the family of the bride (what we call traditional wedding) and you get to go to the registry (the law of the land demands this).. you are good to go. White wedding is not a must. It is the white man’s culture to be honest.
If you must wear gown, you can have it as your dress to the court wedding and have the pastor bless you both thereafter. You can snap pictures afterwards… fine ones sef.. and all is good.
It is really not compulsory that you block road . *crying*** Please enh, don’t do this to yourselves, its not worth it to have a ‘grand’ wedding with all your life svaings and now suffer for the first two years.
Ultimately, discuss with your partner… what works for you guys is fine. I personally hate long courtships especially when you both know God is leading you and you are pretty stable financially…not like there are red flags or other issues that is worth dragging feet for. This is majorly because I do not subscribe to pre-marital sex… not today, not ever. So you get my concern now… when I start saving for 7 years to have a wedding that lasts for just a day and I end up reading wedding books and attending counselling… with no date in mind, it is more likely that we fall. God would not allow that to be my portion. Amem! *in my village sisters voice*
So guys, tell me what you think? How can we help our young men to be married? See enh, I’ve done survey. For the serious ones, not those that have not made up their mind o… this is what is worrying them, it’s not like they don’t love you, it’s the responsibility that comes with coughing out so much money that is the issue.
I thought of gate fee because I hear family members can get offended if you try to restrict it and don’t give them gate pass. So I thought of gate fee… and pre-registration sef. To make it easier, just tell them we’d have as well reception o but you’d pay 1k for IV and without IV, you can’t come. You’ll see that is how everyone would remember that day is visiting day for their children or they have an appointment with the doctor and blah blah..
I have a very large family and it can be scary because left to me, I’d like to have a small wedding of not more than 50 people by the beach side or a garden or something cozy and relaxed not even for money sakes. That is even only a dream as my mom’s immediate family alone (her siblings and children, my cousins) are almost 50 or more, now count my dad.. his own side… work.. church… friends and mogbo moyas (I don’t know the English for this one oooo)
Anyways… I have always had it as my own ‘fancy’ wedding. I know it’d take God to make my dream come true without plenty family meetings and all that..
And I know..(singing) “He’s a miracle working God.. ghen ghen ghen! He’s a miracle…”
My partner would also have a say and our families too. Hopefully, we wouldn’t have to drain our accounts for their idea of a wedding… once its touching me and my partner’s savings in a violent manner… I won’t revolt o but they should pay their gate fee.
Shikena (‘finished’… in hausa language)
Ko si ija ninu soosi (‘no fight in the church’… in Yoruba language)
Imagine getting to heaven and telling God the reason why you could not keep yourselves is because you were saving to buy rice… and parkers or bar soap you used as souvenir. I imagine all the angels laughing on top your matter.
A word is enough for the wise… I have over-spoken sef.
Phew!!!! What a long post… oya people what do you suggest o… let’s move this talk to the comment section…
All the brothers must marry this year.