Finally learning to love…

“Ozzy you said you had something to tell me…”
“Oh yes… no… ermm… nah. I changed my mind…”
“Oh really, well then I have something to tell you…” With this statement, he drew closer to me, held me in his hands and looked me in the eyes. I was terrified and elated at the same time. My mouth at loss of what to do muttered, obara Jisos. I became frantic and my confused arms tried to draw away. He relaxed his grip a bit with the most amazing smile ever and told me how he felt about me. He asked me if I felt the same way… And for the very first time in all of my eighteen years on earth, I realised I had spent so much time running from love that even when it stood face to face with me, I had no idea what to do with it

I had spent so much time running that I didn’t know what to when love stood me in the face…

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It was over 50 days since my nna, my dear uncle passed. I was everything but normal. I was the one who broke the news to my mother, his sister and so for that day and the ones following, I had to be strong for her or so I thought. School was in session and actually exams were fast approaching. I had no time to mourn. Or better still, I didn’t know how to. I remember my dear friend forcing me out to my room one evening and asking me to walk with him. When he asked me how I was, I broke down. For the first time since the incident, I cried and truly mourned… And for the first time in my twenty years on earth, I realised I had spent so much time running from pain and bottling up all I felt that I was loosing myself

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I tried so hard to reach my legs in the bath but I couldn’t. I was fresh out of surgery and still very sore. Eventually, I hit my arms on the wall in frustration as I cried in pain. I honestly was battling and wasn’t in a good mental space. I was so physically and emotionally tired because I wanted to live up to that standard of a ‘strong woman’. Later that day, I stumbled on one of Dimma’s YouTube videos where she spoke about the time her body was going through it and she had to remember to be kind to herself. It was then it occurred to me for the first time in my entire life that I had spent so much time on and given so much attention to others that I didn’t know what it meant to be kind to myself or to love myself even through difficult times…

Be kind to yourself, please

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I don’t know if to blame it on society or maybe it is just me. Growing up, I learnt never to be the first to say, “I love you…” because ‘woman’. I learnt not to be open and vulnerable because ‘men are scum’. I learnt never to pick the phone on the first ring even though you are missing the person on the other end because you don’t want to be ‘desperado’. I was taught not to be the first to text because you don’t want to be ‘cheap’. I was taught to always be strong because ‘Miss Independent’…

All these nasty labels kept me from living life for a very long time. I wish someone told me earlier that it was okay to love even if you have been broken before. I wish someone told me earlier that it was okay to cry, mourn and even take a break from life if needs be and that these didn’t make me weak. I wish someone told me it was okay to love myself and be kind to myself even when nothing seems right. I wish I knew earlier that vulnerability isn’t weakness and that loving genuinely and wholly doesn’t make me a desperado

But it’s okay. I’m learning now. I’m learning to feel. I’m learning to be vulnerable and to trust again, regardless. I’m learning to love, genuinely, wholly and unashamedly.  I am learning that it is okay to take a break… I won’t lie to you guys, it has been such a steep curve. Some days, I get it. Other days, I fail woefully. But just like a child learning to crawl, I get up and go right into trying again

It has been such a journey for me but I am glad I am coming to terms with the unhealthy stuff I picked along the way while growing up. I am thankful I am learning to love and live as God would have me instead of following society’s standards and expectations for me. I don’t know if like me, you picked up some of these things too. My sole purpose with this post is to let you know that it is okay to love genuinely and wholly. Let’s stop all these games of hard girl FC and hard boy FC. It is tiring and exhausting choosing to not use the red love smiley because you don’t want to be perceived as too much. It’s just so tiring and that’s simply because that’s not how God designed for us to be. Society made us think that is how life is meant to be lived but it’s not.

I invite you to join me on this journey… this journey of learning to love.
Thank you for reading 🙂

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Okuuuurrrr! That was some deep stuff! Haaha! I’m laughing now because when I was writing it, old memories flooded and it was so intense. Anyways, thank you so much for reading. Special thanks to an amazingggg reader of mine who actually reached out to me on Twitter even though she doesn’t use the app as such because she hadn’t read from me in a bit and she was wondering what was up. Trust me to make so many excuses but she encouraged me to write again and here am I! Thank you so much, Karen. Means soooo much to me! ❤️

And I also said, I wasn’t going to do like creatives to apologise for the long absence before I begin this post and I’m glad I didn’t. Maybe it is time to normalise the fact that life does happen, creative or not and so not point feeling guilty or rushing yourself to create or write or whatever. Life happens and it is okayyyyy!

Alright! Thank you once again for reading. Please share and like alwayssss, I’d like to know your thoughts on this post, how it made you feel, contributions, questions and whatever else you might want to share. It may be long since I was last on here but comments still make me dance 🙂

Happy Easter. Remember amidst the fancy eggs and family cooking that Jesus is the reason for the season. Stay safe ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Images: Source

20 thoughts on “Finally learning to love…

  1. Happy Happy Easter to you. I was so happy reading your post. I can totally relate. For the longest time, I haven’t been honest with my feelings. I am one to hide and behave like I am not moved but in actual fact I am. However, I am learning and I am trying to be patient with myself. It is totally ok to be expressive, to love truly and wholeheartedly. To cry when need be and vent it all out! There is genuine gain in being authentic.
    Thanks for sharing sis❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Muna!
      “There is genuine gain in being authentic” – This is incredibly true.
      I’m glad to hear you’re learning too and more importantly being patient with yourself. It is very needed…
      Thanks for the read and comment 🙂

      Like

  2. Madam Ozioma ❤️. Such a great joy to see you back on here. When I got the notification, I couldn’t help but smile. Happy Easter 🙌🏿🌿😊. Christ is Risen!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Smiles & Hug 🤗. No problem Ozioma. I will continue to look forward to your new releases. As for me, you already know, I enjoy your write-ups. Keep on woman.

        We will not get tired oo. Jesus will be celebrated, lockdown or not. The King is still on the throne 🙌🏿.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so honestly true. How often we forget to feel ourselves in the midst of everything, just because we are afraid to conform to anything other than what the society has dictated. My feelings are valid. Thanks for sharing😘😘.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. At some point, trying to be strong and appear “perfect” becomes exhausting… I’m learning to live, enjoy this life God has given me… and why not love. In fact, let me look for my red heart ❤️❤️❤️
    Thanks for serious talk and a nice read😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tonia! Thank youuuuuu! You can have all the red hearts loool ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
      Trying to be ‘perfect’ is exhausting especially when its you trying to live up to some standard society set for you. Thanks again for stopping by 🙂

      Like

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